Compass

Okay…here we go again. For the third time in my life, I have decided to start blogging again. To be honest, I somewhat miss the feel of pen and paper while I write over the dull snaps of the keyboard; something connects much deeper when I myself let the letters out. However, for the sake of time, and moreso for the sake of my penmanship, I use blogs now and again as measuring markers for my life. And thus, I will begin another one, knowing of course that it is only a matter of time until I forget about this one and move on to another something to do.

Which leads to question one, perhaps the question that will not only define the first of many entries, but also a means of which to diagnose myself the ailment that words seem to cure: Where Am I? A room in a house off a cul-de-sac, yes; A city a short distance from the Puget Sound, sure; Washington State, definitely. But, as anyone who has heard that question knows, the subject of ‘where’ changes even faster than the answer does as the mind races against itself, hundreds of thoughts pushing themselves to the surface all at once, each of them sure they know the answer to the question. “Location!” Some yell out. “Emotional state!” “Walk with Christ!” shouts the most devout of thoughts, those wishing to always walk the straight, narrow path at all times.

Even though there are many answers, it is still a valuable question. I am not one to always question who I am, what I am…however, in the times when it is harder to see, there is a value in anchors when the storms come. And they do come.

So, let me begin with the obvious places where I am…

I am in my mid twenties. 24 is no longer a boy, I am a man now. Sometimes, I still wish for the days when the worst of my troubles was not being home before the porch light came on, sticky from sweat during a warm summer day’s worth of playing. Those times have come and gone, and time will continue to go faster and faster at this point. Mid-life crisis nothing, I know that time is running now, at a fever pitch by the way things are going now.

I am in a transition. As with most anyone, I myself find myself in a period where the ground is not quite firm under my feet, but firm enough to know that I am safe. However, this is not simply a cry of obliviousness, of not being satisfied with myself, knowing the ground on the other side of the wall will forevermore have a deeper shade of jade that I will want but never have. No…this is a major turning point for me. Living my maturity years in Washington has been nothing short of good. My church saw me as a young musician, gave me grounds to train my musical prowess and dispelled my fear of large crowds. My school respected me as an all-around ‘nice guy,’ giving me leadership roles and granting me my first relationship, helping remove my fear of females…somewhat. My life was simple; my life was good.

However, the world is a big place. I have seen so much out there, so much more than what I see here. While I am grateful to the environment that helped form me, I also yearn for a bigger pond to swim in, where I can find the next step into the me that God wants. It almost looks like betrayal, the thoughts I have to stretch. I wonder if birds could possess the same feelings of loyalty and abandonment, what they would think as they left the nest for the last time. I feel it would be very similar. But, we both know what we have to do.

Fly.

I am also not tied to anything here, really…I have a great job that lets me travel with people around the world, and it lets me edit video, which I am very good at…it is nice, having a non-musical outlet to be creative at. But, other than that, I have no real ties to this place. With the convenience of modern technology, all one has to do is spend thirty seconds online to find anyone they wish at any time, and because of that the world has gotten much smaller. I am not tied with a relationship either, which makes me very mobile. I am not sure how long that will last though…I believe I am ready to start a real relationship, which I wasn’t able to say a year ago. However, I believe my time has come to start actively seeking God and getting those cues to pursue it. We will see.

God is very near me as well, which is a large reason why the question of Where is not all that daunting. The events that have defined my life is evidence enough that the destiny before me is not one I am writing, but rather one the Writer has scribbled down. Disbelief and Wonder are my long-time companions, and they have much to say with every passing phone call, every passing connection being made. Going around the world, playing my bass, meeting people and experiencing a worldview that is much unlike most Americans (which, by the way, in a survey concluded that an average 60% of people my age couldn’t locate Iraq on a map). It is a journey of great privilege, and for all the shortcomings I have, I am still able to be myself in a grand stage.

This is where I am now. As the days unfold, many topics will turn up. But, for now, it is good enough that I leave an anchor here, just in case I lose my place. Here’s to more entries in the future.

~Carpe Noctem

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